What does “normal marital hatred” mean? Most married people and long-term couples do. Best-selling author Terrence Real, a couples therapist who conducts workshops around the country, talks about this topic frequently. No one has ever asked, ‘What does that mean?’ Everyone knows.”
Even so, for those who have idealized romantic relationships, hating your partner may come as a shock. Real will cure you of any idea that real life looks like a romance. “No one acknowledges the underbelly of relationships,” said Real. “Nobody acknowledges the darkness.”
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The process of resolving conflict within a couple and keeping them together has been studied for years by researchers. The University of Washington’s John Gottman studied couples’ conflict language, facial expressions, and body language in the early 1900s. It has a five-to-one positive-to-negative interaction ratio.
Research conducted by retired University of Virginia professor E Mavis Hetherington found a type of marriage most prone to divorce. She describes it as a pursuer-distancer marriage in which one person pushes for solutions while the other dismisses them.
Conflict is often a power struggle in many couples, and nobody wins. A couple usually avoids discussing unhappiness when one partner is unhappy. Everybody gets that wrong. You can deal with normal marital hatred by knowing what to expect. Here’s what to know:
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- Hating your partner is okay.
- Don’t idealize relationships.
- It’s hard to maintain a happy marriage or long-term partnership.
- Know how to mend your relationship
- Experience real intimacy.
- Know that your relationship is a system.