Stonewalling (i.e., giving each other the silent treatment) and losing interest in each other’s lives are signs of an emotionally disconnected couple. Despite hearing about the signs of a troubled marriage, we rarely see how couples deal with them.
What do the “Are we OK?” conversations sound like? How do they compromise? Are they making any changes to prevent this from happening again? When relatively happy couples feel out of sync, marriage therapists say this is what they do:
Disconnects Are Addressed Quickly
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Identifying a problem is the first step to solving it. The act of naming something makes it real, rather than an unstated sense that something is not right. Danielle Kepler, owner and therapist of DK Therapy in Chicago, said: “Rather than holding in whatever is bothering them, they bring it up in a non-critical manner as soon as possible.”
“They might say something as simple as, ‘It feels like we haven’t had any time this week to connect. Can we take some time just the two of us this weekend?’” she continued.
They Don’t Blame Each Other
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A couple in a solid relationship tries not to blame one another. As a result, they use “we” language instead of “you” language when discussing any thorny issues, Kepler said. As an example, “I want us to agree on child care when I go back to work,” not “I need you to get on board.” “This reduces defensiveness and blame from one partner,” Kepler said. Each partner is responsible for turning toward their partner.